I’m so glad that I took this week off. I intentionally took the time off not knowing what would be needed. I just knew that I didn’t want to deal with other people’s emotions. That wouldn’t be fair to them or to me. After last Wednesday, I was thinking I was good and I was going to be alright. And I was and I am.
One of the things I learned several years ago though was even when my head said I was alright, I still needed to put systems in place. And both Tuesday and Wednesday, this week, were days that I needed to nurture myself and feel all the feels.
I come from a very Spiritual place and when my dad died, I knew that he had moved on to a place free from pain. And without even searching, he sent a sign to tell me he’s alright.
My parents have lots of birds that come to their property. It’s filled with plants, flowers, lights, and wind chimes (these are my mom’s favourite) all over the place.
They had a pair of doves that would come for many years, then there were a couple of pairs. Then there were none. Over the past little while, they hadn’t been coming around.
A week ago yesterday, a reminder of Spirit (the Universe, God – however it resonates for you) has my back and will give me the signs and messages I need at that moment. I had come out of the front of the house to talk to the doctor. For some reason, I looked back towards the house and saw the dove.
I looked up and said, “Hey little buddy, I haven’t seen you around for a while.” Then an intuitive nudge hit me. I immediately shouted and said that’s my dad. My dad came in to say, “Hey, I’m here, I’m okay and I’m going to be okay.”
I know for some of you reading, think that I’m off my rocker. And that’s okay. I always say, “Take what you need, and leave the rest.”. But I do need to say that my ego brain did take over for a bit.
I went and talked to my mom later and asked if maybe I just haven’t seen the doves around when I’ve been around. She confirmed that they have not been around for sure. And no one saw it again later that day.
My cousin was there when I had that experience. She came over to give me a hug when I realized what had happened. It was an incredible experience.
We often don’t trust in our intuition. Fortunately, I have learned to trust my intuition and allow things to flow. The last few days have been tough. I’ve had lots of doubts and uncertainties about my life, in general. Am I on the right track? Should I be doing this? Or is that the truth?
I have two sisters who disagree with my dad starting palliative care and then moving into medical assistance in dying. They believe that I should not have been the one who attended all the medical appointments with my dad. They believe that I made medical decisions for my dad. But that’s their grief, not mine.
I have no regrets about the time I spent with my dad. Or the time I spend with my mom. My mom’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago. My dad (even though his memory was failing) and I planned a beautiful dinner out with her friends. She was able to gather with her friends, and I was able to share that with her.
This week I let them get in my head. And I say let them because I am the only one who can make me feel the way I do. They have no control over me or my feelings.
I know the truth, and I especially know MY TRUTH. I was an advocate for his wishes. He made all of his decisions. I helped him understand what was going on for the last 7 years. And 5 years ago, he and my mom came to me to ask me to be present when they made their funeral arrangements.
I am not afraid to talk about death. It needs to be talked about before and after.
We have a little girl who is just like a great-grandchild to my parents. They taught her to walk. She would spend hours sitting on my dad’s neck when she was little massaging his head. And we’ve been honest with her about what was happening with my dad. We use words like dead and dying with her, because that’s what happens.
Some people become mortified with the language being used. If we find a dead animal, we say dead animal. When a tree is dying, we say the tree is dying. We don’t say the animal has passed on or the tree is passing over to another world.
This is my reality and for years to come there are going to be moments that will trigger me. But these moments are small moments to allow me to feel whatever I need to feel in that moment.
I’ve always felt it to be a true honour to be at someone’s side when they take their final breath. As sad as it is to know they are not on our plane of existence anymore, they have found peace.
And I know that I am truly never alone. I have my Spirits who come and go as I need them. And now, I have my dad who will do the same.
But to stay true to myself and my emotions, I also have time with the human species, which will help me stay on track and feel my emotions. Allow me to express myself and relieve my grief as the layers peel off.
This is another thing that I share with my clients. Every experience is like an onion. We peel off one layer at a time. Sometimes the next layer doesn’t come off until we are ready to remove the next layer.
Live your life. Feel the feels. And move to the next experience. Come back for the next layer and then live again.
I am truly honoured to have supportive friends, colleagues and clients who have been great at allowing me the time that I needed this past week.